What They Don’t Tell Us About Grief – Part 1

This post (and the few following posts) are about recovering from infidelity and navigating grief—but more than anything, they are about the messy, heartbreaking journey of grief itself.

In early 2017, I discovered my husband had reconnected with his affair partner. Shortly after, we separated, and on February 7, 2017, he moved into an apartment across town. A few weeks later, spring arrived, bringing heavy storms and high winds. I’ll never forget one particular storm that knocked out the power just as I was getting the kids ready for school.

At first, I didn’t think much of it. But when I tried to leave, I realized the power outage had made it impossible to open the garage door automatically. Panic set in—I had no idea what to do. My husband had always handled emergencies like this. I noticed the red manual release handle and thought, Okay, just pull the handle and lift the door manually. How hard could it be?

Well, it was harder than I expected. Halfway through lifting the door, I realized I wasn’t tall enough to get it fully open. At 5’3”, I wasn’t exactly equipped for the job. My kids came out to help, but we couldn’t get the door to budge. When I let go, half the door fell down while the other half stayed stuck. I had officially broken it.

The kids were thrilled to miss school, but I ended up in my bedroom, crying for an hour. I felt completely helpless and overwhelmed by the weight of all the things I didn’t know how to do.

Things They Don’t Tell You About Grief #1: When You Lose a Partner, You Lose Half Your Brain

Fast forward to now, and I’m facing a different kind of grief. My husband, the same man I reconciled with in late 2017, is now battling terminal cancer. Hospice has been called in, and everything is happening so fast I can barely process it. I feel that same paralyzing fear I felt back in 2017. The fear of all the things he just knew how to do. The endless tasks he handled without me even realizing.

But this time, the grief runs deeper. I know that soon, the memories we shared—the inside jokes, the moments only we understood—will belong to me alone. The thought of losing that connection feels unbearable.

I hear this same sentiment from so many of my clients who are grieving after infidelity, separation, or divorce. It’s overwhelming. It’s terrifying. It’s heartbreakingly sad. Even when we know, deep down, that we’ll be okay eventually, it doesn’t make the pain any easier.

Grief—whether it stems from betrayal, divorce, or death—forces us to confront the loss of a life we built with someone else. It’s the loss of a part of ourselves. And it’s gut-wrenching.

As I continue to walk this path of grief, I’m learning and growing, just like anyone else navigating a loss of this magnitude. If this resonates with you, I want to share a few things that helped me back in 2017—and that are still helping me today:

1. Lean on People You Trust

I know it’s hard to ask for help. After my husband’s affair, I felt embarrassed and ashamed. Accepting help made those feelings worse. On top of that, I’ve always been the one others relied on, so leaning on others felt foreign and uncomfortable.

But the truth is, we can’t do this alone. Whether it’s asking a friend to watch the kids, helping with a home repair, or simply being there to listen—let the people who love you support you.

2. Get Organized

One of the most helpful things my husband and I ever did was create a master list of accounts, logins, and important information. Having that list has been a lifesaver in recent months.

If you don’t have something like this, start one now. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but even a simple list can give you a sense of control over your life. When I separated from my husband, the thought of calling him for account details made me sick. Having everything in one place would’ve saved me a lot of stress.

3. Empower Yourself

I’ll never forget a conversation I had with a friend who was separated from her husband following his infidelity. Her estranged husband offered to mow the lawn, and she proudly said, “No, thank you.” Then, she marched over to her neighbor’s house, asked for a quick lesson on using the mower, and never looked back.

Even though she’s remarried now, she still mows her own lawn—and she’s proud of it. Taking ownership of the things you don’t yet know how to do can be incredibly empowering. But remember, you don’t have to do it alone—lean on others for guidance when you need it.

These steps won’t take the pain of grief away, but they can help free you from the overwhelming fear of the unknown. By leaning on others, getting organized, and empowering yourself, you create space to focus on healing instead of being consumed by worry. 

Remember: You we capable of doing this, even when it feels impossible.

Sending you love and strength,

Coach Monica

xoxo