This is the second post in a series I’m writing on grief. If you haven’t read my first post, I encourage you to do so before diving into this one. While this series focuses on grief, it also addresses the challenges of affair recovery—a journey I know all too well.
When my husband reconnected with his affair partner and we separated, I found myself in a strange and unsettling place. I was grieving the life we once had, trying to navigate the present chaos, and attempting to imagine a future I never thought I’d face. It felt surreal—like I was living someone else’s story.
Years later, my husband and I reconciled. But now, I find myself in another surreal chapter as I watch him battle terminal cancer. Once again, I am grieving our shared past, confronting the present reality, and struggling to envision a life without him. It’s bizarre and heartbreaking—yet somehow still tinged with hope.
The Second Thing They Don’t Tell You About Grief: Guilt is the Unexpected Companion of Grief
During our separation, my mind constantly oscillated between painful memories, the immediate tasks at hand, and fleeting thoughts of a new future. I wondered if I’d ever meet someone else, someone who could love me the way I deserved. I even imagined a happy future, inspired by a friend who found love again after betrayal. But just as quickly, guilt would creep in.
How could I think about another man when I still loved my husband, despite his infidelity? I wrestled with the contradiction—feeling validated one moment and guilty the next.
More recently, when my husband entered hospice care, I began considering what life might look like after his passing. One dream stood out: spending a month in Scotland, a place we both loved and planned to revisit together. While meeting with a financial advisor to see if I could afford the trip, I broke down in tears. My guilt overwhelmed me. How could I be planning a meaningful trip while my husband was still in the next room, fighting for his life?
When I shared my feelings with him, he reassured me. He reminded me of the mixed emotions he experienced when his own mother passed, as he and his sister discussed their inheritance. “It felt ‘icky,’” he admitted, “but it’s normal.” Then he told me he wanted me to take that trip to Scotland—to heal and find peace.
His words were a gift, but the guilt didn’t disappear overnight. I’ve realized that guilt is often an unexpected companion to grief. And while it’s painful, it can also teach us valuable lessons.
Three Ways to Curb Grief-Induced Guilt
- Erase “Should” from Your Vocabulary
Guilt often stems from our inner dialogue of “shoulds.”
I should be sad and stay home after he dies, or I must not have loved him enough.
I shouldn’t imagine a future with someone else, or I’m just as bad as he was when he cheated.
But “should” only adds unnecessary pressure. Instead, replace “should” with “will/and”:
I will grieve his loss, AND I will give myself time to heal in a way that feels right.
I will hold him in my heart forever, AND I will embrace the possibility of a new life partner if that’s what I choose.
You’re allowed to experience conflicting emotions. Give yourself permission to feel them. It’s always okay to feel two things at the same time.
- Learn from the Guilt
Guilt has a purpose—it’s there to teach us something. If you’re feeling guilty, pause and ask yourself: What is this trying to tell me?
For me, guilt has taught me to practice grace. I’ve realized I’m often too hard on myself, holding myself to impossible standards. But healing from infidelity or loss is hard enough without piling on self-criticism. If you’re struggling, remind yourself: I deserve grace. I deserve compassion.
- Embrace Your Future Without Shame
Grief is a tug-of-war between the past, present, and future. Sometimes we fear the future, and when we glimpse something good in it, we feel guilty for being excited.
I’m looking forward to my trip to Scotland, but not to losing my husband. It’s an emotional push and pull that feels almost unbearable at times. Still, I’ve learned that embracing the future doesn’t mean forgetting the past. The two can coexist.
If you’re struggling with guilt when you feel like you “should” be feeling something else, know that you’re not alone. Guilt is a normal part of grief, but it doesn’t have to consume you. By giving yourself grace, letting go of “shoulds,” and making space for the future, you can find peace in the chaos.
This journey is painful, but it’s also transformative. I hate this path we’re on, but I’m grateful for the lessons it’s teaching me.
Until next time,
Coach Monica
xoxo